Support Over Comparison

Three women were sitting around a table when the conversation turned to children and work. One had stayed home for much of her children’s childhood. Another had worked throughout, relying on after-school care and help at home. The third had done a little of both.

What began as an ordinary conversation slowly became a comparison. One woman talked about how difficult she found it to imagine children spending long days at school and after-school programs. Coming home late in the evening and missing the comfort of a parent simply being there. Another spoke about years of juggling children, work, deadlines and household responsibilities while also carrying a meaningful share of the family’s expenses. From her perspective, stepping away from work had never really felt like an option.

Neither woman was directly criticizing the other, yet each seemed to be defending something that mattered deeply to her. One had given up years of career growth and income to be present for her family. The other had spent years questioning whether she was doing enough at home while knowing that her career, income and financial independence was important.

Maybe that is why conversations like these can become judgmental. Our choices around work, family and money often become part of how we see ourselves. This is important to me and hence it should be important to you.

Money makes the comparison even easier because money is visible. A salary, bonus, stock options, retirement plan, health insurance have numbers attached to it. The work of managing a home, caring for children, supporting a spouse’s career or caring for aging parents cannot be measured in terms of dollars. At the same time, stepping away from work can have real financial consequences, from lost retirement contributions and career growth to reduced future earnings.

Perhaps women could have a different kind of conversation about these choices. Instead of deciding who had it harder or who chose better, we could become more curious about what each woman has learned from the life she has lived. A woman who stepped away from work may know a great deal about raising children, caring for aging parents, building community or holding a family together through difficult years. A woman who remained in the workforce may have learned how to navigate a career, negotiate compensation, build financial independence and manage the constant pull between work and home.

We have much more to gain from one another when we listen instead of compare. Sometimes that may be a professional introduction or help understanding investments. Other times it may be advice about a struggling child, caring for a parent, or simply being there for someone going through a difficult time. We all accumulate different kinds of knowledge, and much of it becomes more valuable when we share it.

Another woman’s choices do not have to validate or invalidate our own. A woman who stayed home does not make a working mother less devoted, just as a woman with a successful career does not make years spent caring for a family less meaningful. There is room for more than one version of success. Supporting women begins with recognizing that worth can show up in many forms, in what we earn and build, but also in what we nurture, and make possible for others.

Owning your worth does not require another woman to have less of it.